saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
