my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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