if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
