Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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