I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
