so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
