I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
