apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
