Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
