she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
