and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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