and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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