in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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