my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
how drunk are you?
Several
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
