guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
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