Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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