Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
