My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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