I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
