Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
