She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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