WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
