Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
