i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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