I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
