I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
