drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We got so high we made milksteak
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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