I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
