Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Randomize
