I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
