I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
