What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
