His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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