Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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