So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
