I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
