I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
