a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
