I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
