I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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