ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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