cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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