Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
