Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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