I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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