Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
