don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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