I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
