Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
