Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
