She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
