I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
